Opinions Wanted

How do you know if you’re being manipulated? How do you know if someone is being genuine in their checking in on you and questions about where you’re at, who you’re with, and what you’re doing because they care? Or if it’s because they’re keeping tabs on you to isolate and control you? How do you know if you’re being overly sensitive or if there is actually reason for concern?

I’ve debated whether or not to put this on here. I don’t like airing my dirty laundry for the world to see. I’m a pretty private person, even with my friends and family. That’s how I was raised, though. You don’t bring in people from the outside to a family matter. You handle everything in house (or, more likely, you ignore the problem and hope it goes away). But the longer I sit with it, alone, the more it bothers me. And I don’t know where else to turn but here. This is my safe space. I can be myself and still be fairly anonymous. So, I’ll lay it out for you all to read, and if anyone has any feedback, please, feel free to share.

My boyfriend and I have been together, solidly, for three years. We dated for a short while before that, broke up twice, then we got back together, and it stuck. We’d grown, changed, and decided that life was just better when we are together. The causes of our breakups weren’t cheating or done out of animosity or anger. We just didn’t fit at that time. He was my first boyfriend after my divorce, and it was a lot for me. I had three kids and two “baby daddies” to deal with, so it was a lot for him, too.

But after some time and some growing, from both parties, we came back to one another. And, for the most part, we’re happy.

But there are things that bother me. He gets upset when I start talking about coworkers, male or female. I had forms of social media, and I would talk to my friends on there. He would check it without my knowing, until he’d let it be known he was doing so. Granted, I gave him my passwords to everything. I had/have nothing to hide, so it never bothered me to let him in. But there’d be no reason for him to go through my posts or messages, and he would anyway.

A few months ago, I got a tattoo on my back. It’s a portrait of Lilith, the first woman. I am so proud to have her on my body. I wanted to show it off. So I had him take a close-up picture, just of the tattoo, and I posted it on all of my socials. Friends commented and sent me messages, complimenting the beautiful work. One male friend sent a message that was complimentary, but not inappropriate. I thanked him and moved on. I was at work and didn’t have time for a long conversation.

The next morning, after having maybe two hours of sleep, I’m woken by my phone being tossed onto my chest (not hard) and my name being yelled. My boyfriend had gone through my phone, read the messages, and was demanding to know why I was talking to the guy instead of telling him that I have a boyfriend and cutting off contact.

My immediate response was one of confusion. I hadn’t done or said anything inappropriate. Neither had my friend, someone I’d known for almost twenty years. But I apologized and resolved to delete my social media accounts. My boyfriend hates social media, and he never really liked that I had it. He thought it was trivial. I didn’t believe it to be worthy of fighting over, so I deleted all of it. He didn’t ask me to. In fact, he told me he didn’t want to be “the controlling boyfriend” and to keep my socials. But, again, it just seemed to cause more problems than they were worth.

On top of that, I deleted everyone’s phone numbers that were not family or coworkers. I didn’t really talk to anyone much anyway, so it didn’t seem like a big deal. So, now, the only people in my phone are my close family, the fathers of my children, and my boyfriend.

But something happened the other day that has really bothered me. To tell you this, I need to give you a little more information about myself. Something that is difficult for me to share because, like I said, I like my privacy.

Sex has always been a point of contention in my life. I’ve never particularly enjoyed it. It has always been a fight at one point or another, in EVERY relationship. My current one is no exception. I’ve tried everything to change my view of it. I mean, everything. Therapy. Medication. Experimenting with different types of sex. Sex therapy. I wondered if I was asexual, demisexual, or greysexual– yes, those are all very real things. The best answer I’ve come up with is that I have a low sex drive.

It could be due to my genetics. I’m a diabetic, manic-depressive bipolar patient with asthma and a lung disease. (I’m 33, by the way.) All of the medications I’ve taken in my life could have taken their toll on that part of my body. Plus, diabetics and bipolar patients have a hard time with sex (usually due to the medications or mental health issues).

It could be due to my unusual introduction to and relationship with sex. That’s a story for another time. But let’s just say that sex was/is rarely ever MY idea. Whatever the cause, sex isn’t high up on my To-Do List. (bah-dum-tss) And doing things on my own…well, it’s an especially rare occurrence.

My boyfriend, though, enjoys any kind of physical affection. Especially sex. His love language is physical affection. We’ve tried many options to ensure he’s getting the physical affection he needs, but nothing really seems to work for us. I’ve tried scheduling, so he’s receiving that kind of affection on a regular basis. But that didn’t work. He said I seemed to just be going through the motions. To quote Cheaptrick, he wants me to want it.

Plus, he finds sex fun. So, we have a lot of…extras that get incorporated. I don’t use them on my own; typically, we use them together.

There is one toy in particular that I purchased a while back. I bought it in hopes of trying to build my libido up. My thought process was that if I try to do things in-between the times when he and I would do things, maybe I would want it more often. For me, the longer I go without it, the less I want it. So, I was hoping to build up my desire, and we could use it together if he wanted to, as well.

When I bought the toy, my boyfriend was upset about my purchasing it. It was different than the other toys we own, and it upset him. Not something I’d considered when selecting it. I used it once on my own, the day I bought it, and I haven’t touched it since. He knows this.

However, and this is what bothers me, my boyfriend positioned that toy in the package. Months ago. Without my knowledge. And he’s been checking to see if I was using it. Every day. For the past two months.

I know all of this because two days ago, when we are getting ready for bed, he asks me if I did anything that day. I proceeded to tell him about my day and all I’d done. Then he asks if I’d had any fun (masturbated). I tell him no. One: I’m on my period. (TMI, I know, sorry) I don’t like doing things when I’m menstruating. It’s gross to me. He knows this. Two: I don’t like doing things on my own anyways.

The look he gives me is one that just oozes disbelief in my statement. He then says, “I was looking under the sink (where we keep things) and noticed that things have been moved.” I tell him that I was looking under the sink for Q-Tips, so it’s possible that I moved things around. But, oh wait…there’s more…

He tells me, “Well, actually, it looks like things were moved in their packaging.” This statement strikes me as odd. Who would notice things moving in their packaging? But he continues, “I don’t want to seem stalker-ish (his wording), but I put the toy in the package a certain way and have checked every day for the past couple of months to see if you were, maybe, having any ‘fun,’ and today was the first day that I noticed that the position of it had changed.”

Again, I tell him no, I haven’t done anything on my own. And again, he just looks like he doesn’t believe me. He continues on to say that he wouldn’t be upset if I did. He’d be proud, impressed. Especially since he knows that I don’t like doing things when I’m on my period.

But as I sit there and listen to the words he’s saying and think about everything he’s just admitted to doing, I’m getting angry. And upset. And slightly creeped out. Because, to me, that sounds creepy. That sounds “stalker-ish.” That sounds controlling.

And that’s why I’ve brought my questions here. Because after that conversation, we argued. Until four in the morning. I told him how I felt. I told him I was hurt that he didn’t believe me, when TRULY I didn’t do ANYTHING. I told him I was angry that 1. he didn’t believe me, and 2. he was keeping such close tabs on me to do something like that. I told him it freaked me out. And for the majority of the conversation, he disagreed with me. He said he didn’t mean for it to be controlling. He said he knows I’m shy about sexual things, so he didn’t think I’d tell him if I had done something on my own. That’s why he was checking, he said.

He maintained that mindset until I sat there, silent, for about ten minutes. Then he asked, “Are you going to leave me?” I sat there for another minute before I told him no, but I restated that I needed some time to process this. Because it really, REALLY did freak me out.

Then he began to apologize. And beg me not to leave him. He told me how miserable he would be without me. How much he loves me. How he’ll do whatever I want if I just stay with him.

And, honestly, I love him. I was so unhappy when we broke up before. He brings levity and fun to my life. There are times when we are so in sync. He can be thoughtful and understanding and caring, especially when I’m sick with a diabetic episode or having a particularly low day. He’s good with the kids.

But there are times like that… When he’s so intense or focused or needs to be right. It doesn’t scare me. But it just…doesn’t feel right.

I’ve tried to do research. I don’t know if it’s too fresh in my mind and I’m reading too much into it, but from everything I’ve read, he IS controlling. There was one article with about twenty characteristics of a controlling partner. Out of those twenty, he displays 15 of the characteristics.

I want to talk to my friends. But I don’t have anyone that would be unbiased. I know how it sounds. But I’m wondering, am I jus