Come Sail Away…

We’re going on a trip, but not on our favorite rocket ship. We’re going on a cruise for a week. By “we” I mean my boyfriend and me. We’ve been on a week-long vacation before together. Several years ago, we went to Florida. Every day was a new adventure. Deep-sea fishing, Disney (yeah, in A day), Universal…every day, we did something new and different. I don’t remember Disney at all due to some ridiculously high sugar numbers. I was a baby diabetic then, and I was not following the basic suggested (required) guidelines. But, overall, we had a good time.

The big difference between that trip and this one is that I won’t be in this country. We’re sailing away thousands of miles. I’ve never been this far from home. I’ve never been this far away from my kids.

We’re all struggling with it a bit, to be honest. None more so than my youngest. She asked me three times to cancel. Typically, it would be my week with the kids. Their father and I alternate– one week with me, one week with him. I screwed up when scheduling the cruise and selected dates where they’re typically with me. It wouldn’t normally be an issue, but this trip also happens to fall on their Spring Break.

We usually try to do fun things on their Spring Break. We’ll go to the beach, or I will schedule trips to the zoo, museums, play places every day. But I messed up the dates this time.

Their dad did great. He took off work (not an easy feat for him with his demanding job) for the whole week. I don’t know what all he’s planned for them, but I know he’s going to make it fun. He’s good at fun.

But, as much as my little one adores her daddy, she is a mama’s girl through and through. I’ll be honest, if I could get the money back, I would 100% cancel. I feel like such a heel messing up the schedule between us. I feel a million times worse knowing I won’t see my kids for not just one week, but three. Seeing as this week is “his week”, he’ll have them next week while I’m cruising, then the following week is also “his week,” it will be a total of three weeks before I get my kiddos back home with me.

The only other time I’ve been away from them this long was due to my oldest being, almost, deathly sick in the hospital. Long story, but I didn’t leave her side for over a month. I FaceTimed my other two, called and messaged them constantly, but they understood that I *couldn’t leave their sister. As much as they missed me, they were far more worried about their sister.

But this, to me, feels different. It feels like a choice. I guess it IS a choice, being away from them. But it hurts. My mother and boyfriend have tried to convince me that this is a good thing. My youngest has a bit of separation anxiety. They say that this will help her deal and get over it. But I still feel like I am abandoning all three of them.

They, my mother and boyfriend, have told me I work hard and deserve a break. I am up for a promotion and about to start the training process. My already heavy workload is about to multiple. So, I do work hard, and I could use a break. From work. But not from my kids.

I know this trip will be quality time for my boyfriend and me. We spend every other week (when the kids are at their dad’s) together. (We aren’t married. Neither of our houses are big enough for all of us. And I refuse to live all together until we’re married.) But that is also the week when my work schedule is the heaviest. He and I, typically, work opposite shifts. So, most of that week, we only see each other in passing or asleep. When I have the kids, he comes over when he can, but he works a lot as well. So, I know this time together will be good for our relationship.

But, as a mother, I can’t help but feel guilty. My boyfriend says that a little self-care is good for me. I can’t disagree with that, really. But when does self-care become self-ish?